WHEN DOING THE RIGHT THING FEELS SO BAD!

Last week was not a very easy one for me to deal with.  I was in a position of having to make decisions that would have an incredible impact on other people. Those choices have caused the severing of certain relationships, and have created mistrust and anger for those influenced. Actually, with one simple conversation, 5 years of trust and work have effectively gone out the window.  Yet, I stand behind my choice.

Most of you already know what I do for a living, but for those of you who do not, well, I work with people. My job is exceptionally rewarding to me, especially since last October, when I made the decision to work for God, rather than my employer.  Sure, the City pays me my salary, but how I interact  with the people in front of me is based on my Faith and principles.  Since then, I have seen tremendous improvement in my own personal experiences, and coming to work is, for the most part, a pleasure.  Yeah, I love my job, but there are days that are extremely difficult.

Last Wednesday was one of those days.  My morning started off with a man who had relapsed, and as a result, was not able to go home to his family as originally planned.  We discussed his situation, the consequences of his actions, and the pain that he was in.  Yes, he has re-committed himself to his program, but it’s going to take some time for him to rebuild his trust.  After that meeting, I met with his previous spouse.  She is a lovely woman, clean for 19 months, and raising the two children on her own.  I was able to provide a little support and encouragement. I was also able to join her in her sadness, since the life that she expected to begin this week, has now been put on hold for another 6 months to a year.  She is a strong woman, and I know that she will overcome this obstacle, but still, it sucks that she is going through this at all.

Then came the next issue to deal with, and this was the hardest thing I ever had to do in the role that I am responsible to live at this time.  You see, there is one person who has been a client of mine for 5 years. This man has experienced tremendous heartbreak, struggles, and grief.  He also has some pretty serious mental health issues.  In the past I was able to get him to see doctors, and convince him to do what he needed to “get better”. He would do well for a while, then slowly slip deeper and deeper into what I call “darkness”.  This time around however, the depth of his issues created concern, not only for himself, but others as well.

I had to make a choice. Do I maintain the trust that I have managed to build with this person, or do I call the crisis unit, and have him picked up for an evaluation?  Well, the decision was not a hard one to make.  Crisis unit it is. What surprised me however, was the emotional reaction that I experienced after hearing his response.

He felt betrayed, and angry.  He vowed never to speak with me again, and stated that he was devastated with what he perceived as being the wrong that I committed.  He just did not understand the reasons behind my actions. To be honest, I knew that this would happen.  I knew that by making the call, or even the suggestion that I would call, would destroy all of the progress that had been made with him. He would start to see me as a threat. Trust is out the window.

I did the right thing. I know that I did.  Without the “forced hand” I fear this person will succumb to the illness that he has battled for so long.  I understood the consequences of making the call, but I was also very aware of the consequences if I didn’t.   I just never imagined that it would be this hard.  You see, I like the guy.  We work well together, he has taught me more than I ever think I was able to give him. He brings hope into my life.  I have witnessed beauty in a man that can only see dark, and I have walked beside him as he stumbled, fell, and picked himself up again.

I am hoping that someday he will understand the choice I made.  But even if he never comes to that realization, and the anger lives on in his heart, I need to have Faith and Hope. What I hope happens, is that he will get the help he needs, and discover a life worth living.  I wish for him the same joy that I feel, knowing that I am never alone. I hope he sees color and light, in ways that he never imagined.  I pray that his demons are taken away. I hope that he sees that in doing nothing, I would have only been making things worse.  I hope that he gets hope.

For now, this is what I ask God to show him. I also pray that God can support me through the feelings I am experiencing, because even as I am confident I did the right thing, I still feel awful for the perceived pain I have caused. Life is funny, because even when you do the right thing, you can still feel so, so bad!

Chantal

(side note: a few days after I wrote this, I received a call from the man! He told me that he was afraid, but understood why I did what I did.  He said that I had always been honest with him, and knew that I was holding his best interest at heart. He also agreed to seek help again!  At this point, all I can really say is that God continues to work for us all! Thank you God, for offering hope, even when I lost sight of it myself).